The thing about residency is that sometimes it's wonderful, and sometimes it's awful, and sometimes it's both at the same time. Like today.
Today I made a bunch of split second decisions that saved a man's life. The orders poured out of my mouth, and the nurse was right there, and she was fantastic, and he's alive. He's going to hug his grandkids again and kiss his wife and maybe make it out of this hospital.
Today no matter what I did, no matter how many drugs and tricks and interventions I threw at one patient, he passed away.
I'm not sure what emotions I'm supposed to have after a day like this. So I just go home, take a long, hot shower, and tell myself that tomorrow will be a wonderful day. After all, it's really not anything that I did or didn't do. I believe that God was ready for one man to come home and still had plans on earth for the other. I have to believe that.
I just get it. Remember on my porch last spring, when I realized it's all at the Hand of God's mercy? Well it was something like that and i just get it.
ReplyDeletelove you lots, alicia