Do you hear that ringing?

I am notorious for not answering my phone. It drives my friends crazy. It drives my family crazy. Sometimes it even drives me crazy. Over the years, different people have developed different strategies to get me to answer the phone or call back.

My grandmother calls twice and leaves messages about how I am a terrible granddaughter, probably lying dead in the street somewhere, but she wouldn't know because I never answer my phone. I'm not sure how I would let her know if I were dead in the street, but it is an effective tactic. I always call back.

DH just keeps calling over and over until I either give in and answer the phone or stuff the darn thing under a mattress. He does not leave voicemails. He knows I often forget to check them, then get completely overwhelmed at the sound of that snide automated voice saying "you have seventeen messages" and promptly delete them all without listening to any to avert an imminent panic attack.

Some have taken to calling DH and leaving messages for me. He makes an excellent secretary. I have one friend who only calls between the hours of 1 and 3 AM. I always answer his calls, although it is mainly because I am confused and think it is my alarm clock. Effective, yes. Nice, no.

I have lost my phone, frozen my phone, driven over my phone, and had my phone stolen by my pup. They refuse to sell me phone insurance. Good call on their part.

Take last week for evidence they made the right decision. It was an accident, I swear. I was cleaning the oven and talking to some idiot who wanted me to donate money to his grassroots healthcare reform program. I have no idea how these people found me. I tossed my phone on the table when I was done with him, finished cleaning, and put my cast iron skillet back in the oven. About twenty minutes later I heard a muffled ringing. I followed the ringing to the kitchen, but it stopped before I could find the phone. I looked in the refrigerator, the freezer, the cabinets - all the places I have misplaced my phone before. No success. I emailed DH to have him call the missing phone. I found it in the oven, warm and a teensy bit melted.

Oops.

The good news is it still works. The bad news is the speaker is rather gooey looking. So if you call, and if I answer, speak up people. I can't hear you.