I'll show you all right....

I started residency this week.  I'm on the minimally invasive service for the next month which means I will be doing a lot of camera driving.

Camera driving for an attending is my personal version of Dante's fifth circle of hell. Wrath and sullenness abound.   This is how it goes:

"All I want is for you to hold the camera straight and look where I'm operating."

Sounds easy enough.  Look at the tiny scissors and grabbers on the flat screen.


"Camera, move in."

Moving in.


"Why did you move the camera?  Don't move."  He grabs my hand and puts the camera back in the exact same spot it was.

You just told me to move in, but that's fine, I'll stay here.


"I can't see.  You're too far out. Look left.  That's too far left.  Dang* it."

"Look at where I'm going to be operating.  No, not where I am now, where I want to go. Look left."

 "Make sure you stay in line with my instruments.  Don't look at my instruments. Don't stay in a direct line with the instruments.  Son of a gun*.  I said to look at my instruments."

At this point, I am completely confused.  I'm supposed to look at the instruments, but not directly at them, read his mind to know where to look next, and know exactly how close or far away he wants the camera to be without asking.  Easy task since they teach basic ESP in medical school now - it's a combination class with tarot card reading.


 "Gosh darn it*.  Keep the tools in the bottom third of the screen.  Bottom third.  I want the tools in the center of the screen.  Have you ever held an camera before?  Are you even looking at the screen? Camera, move in.  Not so far.  No, farther."

Gee, this is fun.  Please, pretty please, continue to yell.  I like that.  You have a nice voice when it's screaming at me.  And thanks for noticing that I have to stand on tiptoe on one foot to reach around you, hold the camera, and look at the screen since you are standing in front of me.  It's super easy to see the screen when your head is in front of it.  I spent four years in medical school just to give you the privilege of cursing at me for hours on end.  What I really want to do is take this camera and give you a nice view of your colon.....sir.


*Curse words have been toned down and reduced in number to ensure we remain family friendly.